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POLICE ISSUES’ OINK-OINKS FOR 2009
Our wild and wacky world of criminal justice has again offered up an embarrassment of riches. Indeed, there was so much to choose from that we simply had to expand the list. Without further ado here are this year’s honorees; except for the very last entry, which is a real doozy, they appear in no particular order... Let ‘em Eat Corn Dogs trophy goes to...Morgan County, Alabama Sheriff Greg Bartlett, who nearly doubled his salary by skimping on prisoner meals and slipping what wasn’t spent into his pockets (yes, that’s permitted in Alabama). The lawman finally changed his tune when an exasperated judge locked him up overnight to give him a taste of his own cuisine. Whorl, Shmerl certificate of non-recognition goes to...the LAPD latent fingerprint section, whose inability to tell a ridge ending from a bifurcation became apparent after two mistaken arrests were traced to its work. As many as 1,000 past cases have been brought into question. Hey, think of the overtime! Optimist of the Decade award goes to...ex-Orange County, California Sheriff Mike Carona, who bragged to reporters that the jury’s decision to convict him on only one count of corruption left him feeling “beyond vindicated.” Carona’s joy greatly annoyed the judge, who gave him 5½ years to celebrate the victory in the big house. Rookie of the Year medal goes to...a 14-year old Chicago boy who showed up at the precinct house in a police uniform, checked out a radio and partnered up with a real officer in a traffic car for five hours, even writing a few tickets along the way. One Man’s Art is Another’s Probable Cause trophy goes to...the Boston Police Department for arresting Shepard Fairey, the street artist who crafted the famous Obama poster. Officers collared Fairey on – yes – graffiti warrants while he was on his way to an exhibit showcasing his work. Truth is Stranger Than Fiction prize goes to...Los Angeles County Sheriff “Hollywood” Lee Baca, who was already negotiating a sixth reality show, “Tech Force USA,” before the ink dried on an Inspector General’s report severely chastising him for involving his agency in another series, “The Academy.” Trump Entrepreneurship trophy goes to...two Pennsylvania judges, the equally dishonorable Michael Conahan and Mark Ciavarella, who pled guilty for sentencing more than six-thousand youths to private prisons in exchange for kickbacks. Runner-up was Tenaha, Texas, whose cops forced black motorists passing through the town to sign away cash and valuables on pain of being prosecuted for money laundering. Tone Deaf award of merit goes to...former LAPD Chief Bill Bratton, whose public endorsements of Mayor Villaraigosa (he was re-elected) and City Attorney candidate Jack Weiss (he lost) ran counter to warnings by the Christopher Commission that police chiefs should steer clear of politics. Which Brother Art Thou prize goes to...a pair of identical German twins for depositing identical DNA and fingerprints at the scene of a huge jewelry robbery, leaving authorities perplexed as to whom to charge (neither was). And don’t ask about the video... Andrei Vyshinsky memorial trophy goes to...the Department of Justice Office of Legal Counsel, whose meticulously crafted opinions authorizing physical strikes, sleep deprivation and waterboarding would have done the Procurator-General of the Soviet Union proud. An Honorable Mention goes to CIA operatives who waterboarded a suspect 183 times in a single month (no, not for doing it: for keeping records about it.) Never Say Die medal with two oak leaf clusters goes to...Federal prosecutors who managed on their third try to convict five men for conspiring to blow up Chicago’s Sears Tower. In a key bit of evidence, the accused were surreptitiously taped while an informer led them through a pledge of allegiance to Osama bin Laden. Preventing Crime With the “Delete” Key award goes to...the cities of Baltimore, Detroit, New Orleans and Dallas for sweetening their year-end stat’s by downgrading felonies to misdemeanors, writing off murders as self-defense and, in the most direct approach, ignoring crime reports altogether. An honorable mention goes to Miami for achieving equally sterling results by hammering officers with Compstat, thus discouraging crime reporting from the very start. Pry My Cold, Dead Fingers grand prize goes to...the twenty-three State Attorneys General who sent a letter to US Attorney General Eric Holder warning that renewing the Federal assault weapons ban would deprive citizens of their Constitutional rights. Runner-up is Louisville pastor Ken Pagano, whose religious service that honored open carry laws featured aisles of patriotic parishioners wearing guns. Molehill Into a Mountain trophy goes to...Cambridge Police Department Sergeant James Crowley, who arrested a self-righteous Harvard professor for disturbing the peace after the incensed academic accused the sergeant of racially stereotyping him as a burglar. New Math certificate of achievement goes to...the U.S. Justice Department and the State of Nevada for letting go after only eleven years a convicted kidnapper/rapist who got fifty years in the Federal slammer and a concurrent five to life in Nevada. The man then went on to kidnap another teen and hold her as a sex slave for more than a decade. Alfred E. Neuman What, Me Worry? prize goes to...the Securities and Exchange Commission for ignoring sixteen years’ worth of warnings that Bernie Madoff was a fraudster. Runner-up is the Cleveland Police Department, which didn’t investigate registered sex offender Anthony Sowell even after a naked woman fell from his second-story window. Sowell now stands charged with murdering eleven women whose decomposed remains were found in and around the home. Silence is Really, Really Golden certificate goes to...three LAPD officers who were charged with perjury after testifying that a drug defendant threw down a bindle of cocaine. A security camera recorded one officer telling another to be “creative” on his report. Don Quixote de la Mancha trophy goes to...Los Angeles County District Attorney Steve Cooley, who has vowed to prosecute each and every of the estimated 800 pot clinics in Los Angeles for selling over-the-counter instead of acting as nonprofit collectives as State law requires. And last, but certainly not least, the Speak Spanish, go to Jail certificate of incomprehension goes to...twenty Dallas police officers who used an obscure Federal trucking regulation to give motorists $204 tickets for not speaking English. Whew, that’s it for this year. See you in January! Did you enjoy this post? 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10. “So that’s what ‘conflict of interest’ means!” trophy to Alex Kozinsky, Chief Judge of the Ninth Judicial Circuit, who stepped down from an obscenity trial when word leaked that he kept “funny pictures” and videos of bestial and degrading sex on a personal website to share with his friends. 9. “Um, that’s not exactly the kind of experience we had in mind” prize, jointly awarded to the cities of Atlanta and Chicago for dealing with a shortage of applicants by hiring cops with criminal records and those that other agencies turned away as unfit. (Special consolation prize to the City of Los Angeles for hiring applicants who have used hard drugs.) 8. “A whole new meaning to undercover” certificate of recognition to a certain middle-aged mother. Convinced that her adult son had been wrongfully convicted of murder, she got a makeover, hid a recorder in her...and with her husband’s blessing dated a male juror to gather evidence of misconduct during deliberations. Her secret tapes are now at the center of an appeal. 7. “Who wants to be a millionaire, LAPD edition” award to the City of Los Angeles for assuring that its cops are adequately compensated. This year’s winners include a female officer who was penalized for complaining about sexual harassment (she settled for $2.25 million,) and a male officer, $3.1 million richer after a civil jury agreed that he was transferred for turning in a superior who allegedly used racial epithets and skimmed funds. 6. “Morons with technology are still morons” trophy to the Mongols motorcycle gang, busted on Federal racketeering charges after ATF undercover agents passed polygraphs, joined the gang and over a two-year period collected evidence of crimes ranging from drugs to murder. This was the second time in eight years that the gang was stung this way; before, though, the screening mechanism was an old-fashioned background check. That didn’t work so hot, either... 5. “De-regulator of the year” award to the Securities and Exchange Commission, recently disparaged by its own Chairman for ignoring more than a decade’s worth of credible signs that Bernie Madoff, Wall Street’s former Golden Boy, was running a Ponzi scheme. (And an Honorable Mention to the FBI for sleeping through the $50 billion fiasco.) 4. “Keep it zipped doesn’t just mean your fly” trophy to former New York Governor Eliot Spitzer. Once the State’s hard-charging Attorney General, he was overheard in a Federal wiretap making arrangements to have a high-dollar prostitute sent to his Washington D.C. hotel so that he could be nice and relaxed for his appearance before a Congressional committee. 3. “Duh!” certificate of achievement to the Pomona (Calif.) Police Department, for calling the family of a missing woman to demand that they remove her illegally parked van from a police slot. When the family arrived they found the woman inside, dead from a knife wound to the neck. 2. “Sportsman of the Year” award to Pelham (Mass.) Police Chief Edward Fleury, who organized a for-profit public machinegun shoot and invited children to participate. Chief Fleury now faces trial for involuntary manslaughter after an 8-year old boy brought to the event by his physician father accidentally shot himself to death. 1. And in the top slot, the “If all you have is lemons, make lemonade” grand prize goes to Phil Spector’s long-suffering lawyer, Doron Weinberg. During opening arguments at his client’s trial for murdering actress Lana Clarkson, the attorney conceded that Spector had “exhibited” and even “waved” guns. “But,” he added, “he has never fired a gun at a living being.” Well, that’s it for this year. A very special thanks to the distinguished selection committee (Linda, Mary and Jennifer) for holding their noses while combing through the prospects! Did you enjoy this post? Be sure to explore the homepage and topical index! Home Top Permalink Share this post POLICE ISSUES’ OINK-OINKS FOR 2007
As the season of red carpets descends upon us, we can’t help but offer its own illustrious awards recognizing the year’s most distinguished accomplishments in criminal justice. Here are the top ten, in no particular order:
Well, so much for raking last year’s muck. We’re certain that there will be another slew of excellent candidates in 2008. Should you at be seized by an impulse to make a recommendation, don’t hesitate to oink back! Did you enjoy this post? Be sure to explore the homepage and topical index! |
